Cre8ive » Cre8tive Body Mind Spirit Emotions

Coping Mechanisms

Deborah Redfern — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 06:15:32 +0000

Have you even been in a situation like this:

you felt you needed to hide who you were, hold back, or shine a little less, to protect someone else from feeling smaller, weaker or devalued? (This can often happen between siblings, but also between child and parent.)
felt embarrassed by trying your best?
sensed that someone was jealous or even felt threatened by you? And was there ever a time when you felt you would be less loved and accepted for being who you are?

Many of us grew up with little or no encouragement or emotional support for our gifts and uniqueness. When I was a young girl for example, it was believed that praising a child would cause conceit and snobbery. Being different was definitely not a good thing. Survival meant blending in.

Yet at what a cost! Blending in – and protect ourselves from further pain — means developing specific coping mechanisms and survival skills, which in terms also means settling for less than we have the potential to be. Over time we begin to identify more with the coping mechanisms than who we were to begin with and these grow into our emotional stumbling blocks that hold us back as adults. It takes a lot of inner work to recover because these coping mechanisms are at the subconscious level, behind the scenes and to recover from them we have to remember the decisions we made and let them go.

In the natural world, coping mechanisms are neither good, nor bad. Tomato plants, for example, naturally repel insects. We do not judge plants as being good or bad for having these built-in features. In fact gardeners often choose varieties for certain coping strategies. There are certain flowers, for example, you can plant if you want to attract a lot of butterflies in your garden, while other plants have certain features that ward off insects, making them ideal companion plants.

Can you recognize any coping mechanisms or agreements you made about yourself in the past? Remember not to label these as good or bad. They were simply what you needed to survive at that time in your life and it is safe to let them go.

What feng shui features do you think you would be useful in helping you understand your coping mechanisms?

In the next post, you will have an opportunity to do an exercise to help you release coping mechanisms.

Heal through Writing your Life Story

Deborah Redfern — Sun, 25 May 2008 06:24:38 +0000

Everyone’s story is different. Although you may know your story at some level, it is a very useful exercise to write your personal life story because this will help you remember pivotal details, gain a sense of perspective and overview that will enable you to link seemingly unrelated into a whole. In other words, it will help you see the ‘big picture’. This exercise can also help you find clues that explain the underlying motivations and triggers behind all you do. When I did this exercise I found myself remembering details about my life that helped me understand how I got to be where I am today.

It is said that we begin life by standing on the shoulders of our ancestors and with that foundation we build new experiences that shape the person we grow into. We carry our family heritage with us. Some family stories you may identify with more than others. For example my Mother’s side of my family is French – several generations back. I imagine their voyage across the Atlantic Ocean to a new life in a foreign land. Even though now I am aware that nearly every family had some sort of similar story, at that time, as a young girl born outside of Toronto, Canada, it felt very exotic to me and coloured my perception of who I was.

So your story will begin with your family of birth – whatever you know of it – this includes parents, grandparents and ancestors further back. It also includes siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles and close family friends.

You also have a story that is separate from that of your parents. I believe this begins in play-time, in the fantasy world children create for themselves. This is our secret life. As we go through all the different stages of life, a new chapter is begun. We Another chapter of our life starts during our school years, adolescence, puberty, relationships with friends, falling in love, moving out on your own, starting a family with someone else.

You do not need to go into great detail with this life story. You can gain much valuable information by writing even a brief an outline of brief notes and points, and you can, at any time, go back and add details. You can use this list as a guideline to get you started.

My parents are -
…My relationship with them is -
They were born in (location & circumstances) -
Notable events in my parent’s lives -
My grandparents are -
…My relationship with them is -
They were born in (location & circumstances)
-Notable events in my grandparent’s lives -
The circumstances of my birth were -
What I was like as a baby -
First memory is -
What I was like as a school aged child -
My siblings are -
…My relationship with my siblings is -
My best friends were -
…My relationship with them was -
Happiest times of my childhood were -
Saddest times of my childhood were -
Transition into puberty was -
High school years were -
Triumphs as a teenager were -
Difficulties as a teenager were -
First love/crush/boyfriend-girlfriend experience was -
Leaving home (for work or education) was -
First job was -
Recurring feelings during my childhood were -
Other memories that are important in making me who I am today -

Living your Bliss Responsibly

Deborah Redfern — Fri, 23 May 2008 06:36:32 +0000

I often work long hours. I have deadlines to meet so it is understandable but the real concern is identifying with working more than any other thing, in other words, it becomes habitual and addictive, because I enjoy what I do. I’d rather be writing and using my brain than watching television, that’s for sure. If I have a good good book on the go, that is a draw away from the computer, but not a really strong one. Clearly writing and creating is a passion of mine.

There is a power to a passion. Think of taking back our power and owning our gifts. Good stuff! But with power comes responsibility.

The flip side is misusing our passion, your bliss — to retreat into our own world. It can take many different forms. For example we can get into a state of self importance when we are up against a deadline, and neglect other important aspects of life such as our relationships.

In an over busy work mode we might not be ‘there’ for our families: sometimes virtually and sometimes mentally: while we might be there physically taking care of their needs (cooking and cleaning, etc.) our minds are some place else. Family and relationships can get demoted and in this heightened self important state they can actually feel like a hindrance. If you have ever been on the receiving end of that one, when the feeling you get is that you are not as important as finishing this report is – especially if it becoming a habit, you know it doesn’t feel very good.

Work and life balance is so important: quality time away from the work, giving yourself fully to your family, taking care of your body and mind exercise and meditation, contemplation, and time spent in nature. In other words, balance is needed to ensure that you do not begin to identify more with your passion and your work, more than anything else. This is the feng shui of following your bliss.

Your Intuitive Voice

Deborah Redfern — Mon, 19 May 2008 05:43:30 +0000

Intuition plays a big role in getting on what you want in life. Why? Because it is one of the ways that the universe communicates to us. I loved what Sonia Choquette in Trust your Vibes: Secret Tools for Six-Sensory Living wrote about intuition:

To look at the world from the vantage point of your soul is to look from the Divine part of yourself, which means that you’ll see the world through the eyes of God.

So what happens to your energy on those occasions when you dismiss the nudges of intuition, or downplay them in your life? The universe doesn’t give up. It continues sending out the message until you ‘hear’ the message. In my experience when you ignore the whisperings of your soul, they become shouts, wake-up calls and sometimes, even a crisis.

If you get three intuitive nudges, this is considered a very powerful sign. Pay attention!

Imagine your Perfect Day

Deborah Redfern — Sat, 17 May 2008 05:33:54 +0000

Imagine your Perfect Day…what would you do? Where would you be? Who would you be with?

One of the questions that often comes up when I guide people through the Ideal Day exercise is, is OK to try to make an ideal day come true? Is this not selfish?

I always say that it is important to be selfish when it comes to your soul needs. Now the word selfish has negative meaning in our culture, but in this context it means self-care: caring for your self.

Imagine your Perfect Day exercise is designed to help you get in touch with what is most important to you in life. For example if part of your ideal day is to have quiet time to yourself in the morning — to write in your journal or meditate — but in reality your life mornings are nearly always chaotic: getting ready for work, perhaps getting the children out of the door in time for school, what message do you send to yourself? What does it do to your energy in the short and long term?

Do you think there might be resentment there, some unfulfilled longing? Or feeling that you are not taking care of yourself, perhaps that other people’s needs have more priority than your own?

What if you made that quiet time to yourself a priority? Would it be selfish? If you, as an example, negotiated with your family to help out in the morning, as a family you prepared some things the night before, and you got up a half an hour earlier for that precious quiet time, would you be a happier person? And would you being happy have an effect on your family?

Yes! Yes! This is why being selfish (taking care of your own needs) is a gift to others. When your content, others in your life are as well.

Are there limits? Say for example what you desire is something that would put you at risk of injury. If your ideal day, or some part of it, is not in alignment with commitments you have made to loved ones, it requires much more discussion and negotiation with your family.

And what if your ideal day isn’t practical? For example many people’s vision of an ideal day is a vacation. They imagine themselves at the ocean (and they live in the mid-west).

It isn’t always about the activity itself (this is especially good to know for those impractical and/or risky dreams.) Sometimes it is about the feeling you desire: excitement, peace, calmness, connection, experiencing love and joy. What is the feeling that you want to generate and how can you bring more of that feeling in your life?

Missing Items: Calling St. Anthony

Deborah Redfern — Thu, 15 May 2008 05:45:17 +0000

Have you ever had one of those days where you go to find something and it isn’t where you thought it was? It is so frustrating! It happens to me more often than I would like:

My new camera vanished. After a frenzied search around the house, I found it a few hours later exactly where I’d left it: in a purse I don’t usually use but took on a weekend trip.
A certain grey jacket not worn since last fall ‘disappeared.’ and after searching every closet, at least 3 times, it finally emerged on the closet floor where it had slipped from the hanger.
My jewellery pouch – the one I use when I am travelling, the one that was on my bed this morning is now… nowhere. I searched through all my drawers, looked under the bed, in my suitcase (did I already pack it?) and finally allowed itself to be seen again…peeking out between clothes folded in the drawer right where it should have been.

The camera was because I didn’t put things back in their usually home, the jewellery pouch was just because I was aggravated and impatient. The jacket is a result of abundance.

When things are missing I sometimes use the invocation to St. Anthony.

St. Anthony, St. Anthony
Please come around
Something is lost
And can’t be found

Does it help? I believe it does as my mind often clears and I what is missing – either literally or in my mind’s eye, what I could not see before.

What have you been Putting Off?

Deborah Redfern — Mon, 12 May 2008 15:00:52 +0000

Earlier this year I joined a business success circle (or a Mastermind Group, if you are familiar with Napoleon Hill’s book Think and Grow Rich). After we went around the table and talked about where we were with our businesses, our group leader posed an interesting question:

What have you been putting off?

I found it a difficult question to answer. While I was waiting for my turn to speak, my first answer was ‘nothing!" I couldn’t think of anything, yet I knew that wasn’t right. There were things on my to-do list, but I didn’t feel like it was something I was putting off. (Except I know I don’t like making telephone calls, ever, so I do tend to put those off.)

But then something interesting happened over the next week. Those words kept coming back to me: What have I been putting off? And it had a remarkable effect because things started flowing to me: dreams I had long ago that I’d put on the back burner, every day sorts of things that somehow don’t get done, seem to take lower priority (often centered around taking care of myself).

I invite you to ask this question of yourself: What you you been putting off?

Notice what comes up for you. Do you initially feel some resistance – as I did? What happens next? Does the question cause you to change your daily routine or to change a habit?

Negative Core Beliefs

Deborah Redfern — Thu, 01 May 2008 15:24:29 +0000

Negative core beliefs: we all have them. Just try feeling good about yourself and see what happens.

I’m serious. Tell yourself how wonderful, brilliant, successful and talented you are. You might be familiar with writing affirmations. So, write an affirmation, making it as bold and ‘out-there’ as you can, and write it down. Fill a whole sheet a paper with your affirmation. For example, “I, Deborah Redfern am a famous writer and a sought-out key note speaker and feng shui teacher.”

What happens is that when you tap into your self worth a little voice in your mind speaks up and says “oh you are not!,” or “who are you kidding, you could never do that” or “who do you think you are?”

Spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle would call this the pain-body, the Ego, delighting in making itself feel important by creating drama. These inner objections bring your energy down and even make you feel inauthentic with yourself.

I call these inner objections blurts. They can be very damaging to your self worth because they keep you from completely experiencing your self-worth, unique qualities and gifts.

In order to release yourself from your negative core beliefs you work with them. Do not try to stop them, but allow them to rise to the surface. Each time they do, write them down. (A lot will come to the surface while you fill your page with your affirmation).

Now you want to look at this list of blurts and see if you can discover where they came from. Whose voice do you hear it in? Is there a memory attached to it? Many times our blurts will come out in a parent’s voice, an older brother or sister, or a teacher’s voice.

With each blurt that comes up, thank it and tell it that it is no longer needed. You can let them go. You can also rewrite each of your blurts as a positive affirmation.

For example, a blurt might be:

“There are thousands of talented writers out there. What makes you think you are so special?”

And I could re-write this blurt as “There is no one else in the world like me and people want to receive the gifts I have been given to share.”

Sometimes just knowing that we all have these blurts, or negative core beliefs takes away a lot of their power. I invite you to use the comment box to share some of your blurts — if you dare!

Learning Styles

Deborah Redfern — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 15:28:14 +0000

How do You learn? Are you:

Visual

Verbal

Aural

Physical or Kinesthetic

Logical or Spatial

Social

Soliltary

Musical

Brian Walsh in Unleashing Your Brilliance, calls these learning styles “learning intelligences’. He says,

Most of us are a mixture of all the intelligences, usually displaying a particular aptitude for a few. Occasionally, there are cases where people develop a single strong intellingence without developing others, such as the character payed by Dustin Hoffman in the role of the so-called idiot savant – in the movie Rainman, who displayed pure logical-mathematical intellilgence.

Curious about my own learning intellilgence, I took this on-line test at Learning Styles Assessment. In this test you get not only your prodominant learning style (mine is verbal) but your strength in all categories. You can then go to a page that gives you more information on how to work with each learning style.

My Score

Visual 10/20
Aural 15/20
Verbal 18/20
Physical 12/20
Logical 9/20
Social 13/20
Soliltary 15/20

The only real suprise is that I did not score higher on visual learning which I relate to being an artist and appreciating beauty. Actually what they call visual, I would call spatial and includes such things as reading maps and sense of direction. I am one of those people who get off an elevator and do not know which way to turn instinctively. I have to use other skills to learn it such as verbal cues.

Try the test out and share your results. Where there any surprises? Did you have an aha! moment of why you are good at certain things, or react in particular ways? I find this subject fascinating and would love to have a discussion with you about it!